Dreams & Disappointments

I mentioned in my last blog that this past year of my life as been quite the ride. By now you know that I went through some major changes, but I didn't go into the why. That's what this post is for...

From the time I was a little girl I dreamed about my wedding and the man I would one day marry. I know little girls everywhere dream about their future husbands, but I feel like it's different for me somehow. It's always been the strongest desire of my heart and I guess at times I've felt guilty because of it. Sounds weird, right? I mean, God put that in me for His purposes and I try and embrace it wholeheartedly, but I've felt misjudged for it at times. I've heard everything from, well, you just need to let that desire go...to you need to be ok with being single...to maybe God wants you to die to that desire...to you're just too picky (which I make no apologies for). Now, I know these are well-meaning people, but it does not help. In fact, it's hurtful. For anyone who has deeply desired something and has waited for longer than expected to receive it, those words can reinforce the thought that maybe I am crazy for wanting this. I mean, am I really that different from every other woman in this world? I want a husband that I can encourage, support, and love with my whole heart and one that can do the same for me. I want to be desired and loved by a man, and one who knows how to do that fully. I know it won't be perfect, and I know it won't complete me...that's not what I'm looking for. I just want to experience the journey & joy of marriage.

With every engagement, wedding, and shower that I'm a part of, it only increases my longing for it. I wonder, what's wrong with me? Why hasn't this happened for me yet? I go through the lies (yes, I know they're lies) in my head like, I'm not pretty enough, fun enough, spiritually mature enough...or it would have happened by now.

To say I've been disappointed that this dream is unfufilled is an understatement. There are times where my heart physically hurts. And, there's times I beat myself up for wanting this. Why can't I be like other girls who are content with singleness until the time for marriage is right. I've wrestled with this for so long. Too long. And, I'd like to tell you that it's gotten easier, but it hasn't. I've had a lot of "come to Jesus" meetings. And, I think he's ok with that. Only He really understands the depth of it. And, He's been merciful enough to also put the most amazing friends (& mom) in my life who have cried & laughed with me through it. Mostly cried.

I know that God has grown & taught me in my season of singleness in ways that I may not even see or understand. And, I am truly grateful for that. Really I am. But now, I want to move on! I know trials produce character, but sometimes...you just need a break. This past year was more painful than any I've walked through and yes, it's been mainly because the one change I kept hoping for is still being deferred. I've prayed for this year to be my best year yet. I;m also praying specifically for God to bring my future husband into my life this year. He may or may not answer those. But, a girl can still dream.