Lessons in the Waiting

I'm not very good at waiting. It's a real problem. I think I was born impatient. I don't even like waiting in line for longer than five minutes! And, if you've read my last two blog posts, then you've probably caught on that I've been in a season of waiting for a long time. Longer than I anticipated...or have wanted. But through this season, God has definitely grown & challenged me & I thought I'd share a little...

In Isaiah 54:5, it says, "For your Maker is your husband — the LORD Almighty is his name." This verse used to confuse me. I just didn't understand how God, my Father, could also be God, my husband. Not only that, but I would get frustrated because I wanted an earthly husband, someone tangible. But, over time, I've realized that if God is described as my husband in His word, then it must be because He is the only One who can be everything I need at every moment of my life. No one else can be that for me. Not even the man that God has intended for me. It's taken a long time to grasp this and I know I haven't even scratched the depth of His love toward me, but I get that He is the perfect provider, comforter, and friend. It doesn't make my longing for a guy any less real, but it has made me realize that my security has to be totally in the Lord. And, that the two can coexist. God is faithful to give me simple reminders of that.

Last week, a co-worker pulled me aside & asked if she could pray for me. I honestly had no idea what it was about, but I never turn down prayer, so of course I agreed! She told me that she knew I desired to be a wife and that she felt led to pray for my husband. Totally unexpected, but God knew I needed a little affirmation that day. She prayed some very spirit-filled prayers & it was such a blessing! It reminded me that sometimes you just have to keep asking. That's hard for me at times. I think, God must get tired of me asking every day for this! Yet, somehow, He's more patient than I am. And, I'm grateful.

Though this season has been a painful one, I can honestly say I'm more ready for marriage having gone through it. Besides knowing that God is my only security and that He still encourages me in the waiting, here's what else I know (and am still finding out)...

1) I'm not in control and can't make it happen...as hard as I want to, I just can't.
2) I don't want to make apologies that I'm picky. Everyone has preferences and I shouldn't feel bad about mine.
3) I might not get everything I'm asking for in a man, but I'm still going to ask...:)
4) I'm willing to be set up, but I'll use my own judgment on who I'm willing to be set up with.
5) That nothing is wrong with me because I'm still not married (although I still have moments with this).
6) That God's love is constant and not determined by my circumstances.
7) I have a lot to offer someone and am, myself, worthy of a man's love.
8) That God has had my husband picked out for me since before I was born.
9) That I might not meet my husband at church...or Starbucks (contrary to what some might think). :)
10) No matter what people's opinions are, God sees my heart.
11) Not everyone understands or wants to hear about my journey. Sometimes, you just have to take it to God.
12) That I am thankful for the friends God has put in my life that do understand.
13) To obey God in the now so He can trust me with the "later."

If you're in a waiting season, be encouraged. It won't last forever. It's just that...a season. And seasons, fortunately, change. I, for one, am looking forward to that.

Dreams & Disappointments

I mentioned in my last blog that this past year of my life as been quite the ride. By now you know that I went through some major changes, but I didn't go into the why. That's what this post is for...

From the time I was a little girl I dreamed about my wedding and the man I would one day marry. I know little girls everywhere dream about their future husbands, but I feel like it's different for me somehow. It's always been the strongest desire of my heart and I guess at times I've felt guilty because of it. Sounds weird, right? I mean, God put that in me for His purposes and I try and embrace it wholeheartedly, but I've felt misjudged for it at times. I've heard everything from, well, you just need to let that desire go...to you need to be ok with being single...to maybe God wants you to die to that desire...to you're just too picky (which I make no apologies for). Now, I know these are well-meaning people, but it does not help. In fact, it's hurtful. For anyone who has deeply desired something and has waited for longer than expected to receive it, those words can reinforce the thought that maybe I am crazy for wanting this. I mean, am I really that different from every other woman in this world? I want a husband that I can encourage, support, and love with my whole heart and one that can do the same for me. I want to be desired and loved by a man, and one who knows how to do that fully. I know it won't be perfect, and I know it won't complete me...that's not what I'm looking for. I just want to experience the journey & joy of marriage.

With every engagement, wedding, and shower that I'm a part of, it only increases my longing for it. I wonder, what's wrong with me? Why hasn't this happened for me yet? I go through the lies (yes, I know they're lies) in my head like, I'm not pretty enough, fun enough, spiritually mature enough...or it would have happened by now.

To say I've been disappointed that this dream is unfufilled is an understatement. There are times where my heart physically hurts. And, there's times I beat myself up for wanting this. Why can't I be like other girls who are content with singleness until the time for marriage is right. I've wrestled with this for so long. Too long. And, I'd like to tell you that it's gotten easier, but it hasn't. I've had a lot of "come to Jesus" meetings. And, I think he's ok with that. Only He really understands the depth of it. And, He's been merciful enough to also put the most amazing friends (& mom) in my life who have cried & laughed with me through it. Mostly cried.

I know that God has grown & taught me in my season of singleness in ways that I may not even see or understand. And, I am truly grateful for that. Really I am. But now, I want to move on! I know trials produce character, but sometimes...you just need a break. This past year was more painful than any I've walked through and yes, it's been mainly because the one change I kept hoping for is still being deferred. I've prayed for this year to be my best year yet. I;m also praying specifically for God to bring my future husband into my life this year. He may or may not answer those. But, a girl can still dream.