A Faith Walk

I woke up this morning with the story of Jesus walking on water clearly on my heart.  It's not often that specific passages of scripture are blaring in my mind before I'm fully awake!  But, I immediately knew why & what God was speaking to me.  Faith.  You know when you're in a season where God is asking you to step out in faith & "walk on water" with him?  Yep, I'm there.  And like me, you probably feel scared, unsure, & maybe even a little...crazy.  That's how I envision Peter must have felt as Jesus was telling him to take that first step.  The story goes like this: Jesus told his disciples to step out of the boat, in the middle of the water, as the waves & wind were raging all around them.  No biggie, right?  Peter's response to Jesus' request was, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water." Jesus replied back with one word. "Come."  I imagine Peter to have really been thinking, "Lord, you seriously want me to step out of this safe boat and possibly be hurt or even die!?  Oh ok, sure."  And Jesus, very matter of factly, says, "That's what I said. What are you waiting for?  Come on!"

Peter & I would have been buddies.  I'm sure of it.  Because, I am Peter.  I would have questioned, over analyzed the situation in my mind, and then come to a decision based on fear, not on faith.  I'm often tempted to operate in doubt rather than in faith...more than I care to admit.  It's just easier. Safer.  It takes a lot more courage to step out of the boat and walk on the water than it does to stand still & do nothing.  It takes courage to take the first step, not completely knowing what's ahead.  But, I love that the story doesn't end there.  Jesus didn't just leave Peter on his own.  He calmed his fears, while challenging his faith.  "Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" In His mercy, Jesus caught him, but in His loving way, challenged his doubt.  Jesus does that with me often.  I feel Him whispering to me, "Oh Steph, why are you doubting when I have made the road ahead so clear?  Why not just choose to trust me & let go?"  Instead, I doubt His voice & leading because I doubt my ability to hear & see correctly.  I feel vulnerable & unsure, yet I know He's there to catch me, so why wouldn't I just take that risk? 

God, help us to come when you say, "Come."  Help us to have the courage to step out when you say, "Don't be afraid."  Thank you that just as you did with Peter, you never leave us on our own.  Even through the doubt & fear, You're still there.  Waiting.  May we choose to see You instead of the wind & waves.  May we see clearly that there's too much waiting on the other side for us not to take that risk. 

The Faces of Worship

I've been thinking a lot about worship lately.  What does it really look like?  And, is there more than one way to worship?  I believe the answer to that is absolutely, YES.  But, what I mean by worship isn't the picture that most of you have in your head right now.  The word "worship" normally implies that some type of music is involved.  We go to church to...sing hymns or praise songs, right?  While that is a part of the church experience, it isn't meant to be the whole experience.  And, worship certainly isn't meant to stay inside the four walls of the "church."

I went through a season as a young Christian where I majorly struggled with the way my worship "looked."  Sounds strange, I know.  What I mean is that I would be standing during service singing my heart out, except, I didn't feel like my heart was truly there.  I would look around and it seemed as though everyone else was totally engrossed in the music.  If they were any more in the presence of Jesus, they might as well have been in heaven!  And here I was, mouthing the words but not always feeling what was coming out.  I thought something was truly wrong with me!  Ever been there?  Well, I've since had to learn that worship isn't a "feeling." Sure, we can definitely experience that high at times when we come into the presence of the Lord, BUT it doesn't always happen, and that's completely normal.  Those feelings don't sustain our day to day walk with God.  They're wonderful, but they're not meant to last.  Worship is so much more than singing to the Lord on Sunday...or any other day of the week, for that matter.  It's what our lives look like when people are watching, and...when they aren't.  It is about the heart...the attitude of our hearts.  We may not always "feel" it, but if we are doing what God asks & requires on a daily basis, that is worship.  Will we get it wrong?  Yep.  Will we completely blow it?  Probably.  Is there grace for that?  Absolutely. 

When I think of the stories in the Bible of people who were on this same journey with God, I begin to think of worship a little differently.  I read about Abraham being willing to sacrafice his only son that God PROMISED him (Genesis 22:1-19), and I see worship as surrender.  Then, I read about the widow who had nothing, but still gave what she had (Mark 12:41-43), and I see worship as giving.  I read the many parables that Jesus told about putting others before ourselves, and I see worship as loving people.  Worship looks different than what we have imagined in our minds.  It has many "faces."  It isn't JUST about singing a few songs on Sunday morning.  It's really living out the words that Jesus taught & modeled for us.  I want my worship to encompass all of these things, and more.  And for my heart to be engrossed daily in how I live, not just in what I say.  That is true worship.

Mercies Anew

Mercy.  It's been the topic of many books and songs.  The Bible mentions it in great detail.  And, it's the cry of every human being.  At our very core, we are all desperate for mercy.  We want to be fully known and accepted as we are, but struggle with the fear that if we are vulnerable and show our deepest disappointments and darkest places, we'll risk being rejected.  That if we are raw and laid open, mercy might not be extended.  Yet, there's something so different about the mercy of God.  Something sweet.  Something beautiful.  And at the same time, difficult to fully grasp.  To grasp even a portion of it requires faith.  Faith that even though we may not feel it or believe we deserve it, it remains.  It's steady and constant.  It never changes based on our behavior or works.  We can't do anything less or more that will alter the amount of mercy He pours out because...it never ends. 

God's taken me on a journey the past couple years where I know that I know He wants me to "get" this.  I mean, really get this.  You know those places that are a constant struggle and to even talk about it with anyone requires a lot of courage because it's embarassing and frustrating?  That's where I've been with this.  I've been walking with the Lord for 14 years now.  I should have a pretty decent grasp on the mercy of God, right?  If only I could say, yes, I am fully aware that God has an unlimited supply of mercy for me!  I know that to be truth, but if I were really honest, the problem is that I don't always believe it.  I KNOW there's nothing I could do that would make God love me any more or less than he does right at this moment.  But, even if it's locked inside of my head, it slips outside of my heart.  His word says that "because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his mercies never fail.  They are new every morning" (Lamentations 3:22-23).  But God, don't you remember that stupid mistake I made yesterday or the unloving way I spoke to someone this morning?  Don't you remember my past sins and mistakes, all 556,687 of them?  No.  The truth is, He doesn't.  At all.  Every single day the slate is wiped clean.  The sole reason Jesus hung on that cross was so that we could be justified and live in His grace and love.  I think it's human nature for us to be our own worst enemy at times.  We want to keep punishing oursleves for our mistakes and shortcomings.  We want to forget, but have a hard time letting go.  When all the while, God is saying (screaming, at times)," I've forgotten it.  Now, won't you?"  It doesn't bring Him any glory when we aren't living in the fullness of His love and mercy.  No, He is most glorified when we are reflecting His heart and nature.

I want, long for, His mercy to be washed over me every day.  Every single morning.  I need it more than my next breath.  In fact, my next breath depends on it.

Lord, may your mercies be anew in every one of us and may we live with the truth and knowledge that You bestow grace & mercy on your sons & daughters not because of who we are or what we do or don't do, but because of who You are.  And, may we in turn be able to show that same mercy to others as well as, ourselves.

Have a little faith.

God's been testing, I mean really testing, my level of faith these days. Until recently, I would have considered myself to have a decent "measure" of faith...as much as you can measure that. I mean, all we need is a mustard seed, right? But, I began to realize that while I have an almost unlimited amount of faith to believe God will do amazing works in other people's lives, I have a much more difficult time believing God will answer my own prayers, or satisfy the desires of my own heart. Why? "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." That's the honest reason. When you've been praying for the longings & dreams of your heart to become reality, and years & years go by without any sign of those prayers coming to fruition, it can be a struggle to hold on to hope. However, let me say, I know I'm not the only one waiting on prayers to be answered, or having doubts that they ever will be. It only feels that way at times.

Let's take a look at Thomas, for instance. I can relate to "doubting Thomas" more than any other person in the Bible. He needed proof. Proof that his Jesus was alive again. When the other disciples told him that they had seen the Lord, Thomas replied, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe" (John 20:25). No one was going to change his mind. He was willing to look crazy for his unwillingness to believe because he needed proof. Proof that a mortal man died on a cross and was raised to life three days later. (Pretty sure Thomas & I would have been friends). Jesus provided the proof he needed...eight days later. He could have come as soon as Thomas doubted the resurrection. But, He chose not to. Thomas had eight entire days to wrestle with the doubts in his mind. That's worth noting.

But then...Jesus came to his rescue.

"Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." Then he spoke directly to Thomas. "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe. Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!" (John 20:26-28). It's also worth noting that before Jesus commanded him to believe, He spoke into every one of his doubts. I love that. He sympathizes with our weaknesses & knows that in our humanness, faith can seem unattainable at times.

But He also loves us enough to not allow us to give up. He's been challenging my faith even further lately by asking one question: "Are you in a place where you're ready to receive what I have for you?" Pretty simple question, right? Who wouldn't want to receive from the Lord!? Well...this girl has struggled majorly in that area. Feelings of unworthiness have caused me to doubt whether the Lord has better for my life. Lies I've believed that have overshadowed the truth of God's Word. But, my desire is not to stay in a place of unbelief. Thankfully, because of God's unyielding mercy, He wants more for my life than what I've perceived I'm worthy of. It's not about anything I can or can't do; it's all about His goodness.

What is it in your life that you're having a difficult time believing or maybe, receiving? What if, instead of believing for the "thing," we believed in the God who can do all things? That means we trust in the Lord enough to believe that HE knows our desires and HE knows how to best fulfill His plans in our lives. It's definitely not always easy to get to that place, but once there, it's a place I want to remain in.