Picture Perfect

I'm not sure when this love/hate relationship started, but for as long as I can remember I (mostly) hate having my picture taken. Because it seems that no matter how good I think I might look, the picture tells me otherwise. Now, I realize that a lot of people aren't crazy about their pictures, but this is a painful area for me. Really painful. And frustrating. Not only for me, but also for the people in my life. I've missed out on a lot of great "picture-taking" moments because of my insane need to control how I look in them. Vain? Yeah, probably so. But, not vain in a "I look so good" kinda way, but more in a "why do I always appear ugly in pictures?" (sigh) I get this is a really dumb thing to focus on, but nevertheless, it's something I struggle with and want to overcome.

So, thus begins "Operation Photo." (I just made that up for lack of a better name...don't steal it). ;) I'm going to make a conscious effort to not pick apart every little detail about myself in pictures, not compare myself to people who I think are photogenic, and RELAX more! It helps that I have great friends who actually know how to use a camera and have given me some awesome tips (thanks Jenna!)

So, this might take some butt-kicking from my friends (I'm giving you permission) and some practice on my part (a.k.a. self-portraits that won't be posted anywhere). I don't want to miss out on the moments captured in photos that I can never get back again. I realize that a lot of this begins in my mind and in my own perception of myself, so I need some adjusting there as well. Yet again, it's one more area that I need to give myself the grace NOT to be perfect. So, Operation Photo...commence! :)

Layers

Ever have one of those weeks when you just can't seem to get anything right? Where the same old stuff that you struggle with creeps up again? You think you're gaining victory, but you end up taking a few steps back. Yep, that was me last week.

I've never considered myself to be someone who has struggled with being a "perfectionist." I mean, maybe in a couple areas, but a full-blown perfectionist...no. Those are the people who have to get everything right. I'm not one of those people...or am I? I practically beat myself up over every little thing, I set way too high a standard, and then beat myself up again if I don't reach that standard. Heck, I sometimes even beat myself up over beating myself up! I know, crazy, right? And, if that's not enough, I imagine everyone else must see all my faults too.

Why is this thing called grace so hard to grasp? I catch glimpses & try to hold onto it, but it always seems to slip away again. Grace meets me at the intersection of logic and truth and I find myself at a crossroads. Can I move toward truth and fully embrace grace, or do I continue to follow my own logic that is not only void of grace but instead leads to condemnation? Because logic tells me that a perfect God couldn't possibly love an imperfect me. Right? So wrong. Because He does love me...every single bit of little imperfect me! I'm made up of so many layers. And, more & more, those layers are being pulled away to reveal the woman that God has created me to be. Loving, encouraging, loyal, creative, beautiful, smart, funny...and imperfect. But, peeling off layers can be painful. Because the more layers He removes, the more transparent I become, and the more I need His grace.

Francesca Battistelli's song, "Beautiful, Beautiful," has really spoken to my heart lately. And, is perfect for this topic. The chorus says...

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me. Save me from...me! I need His grace & mercy every day to remind me that on this side of heaven I will NEVER be perfect. But, I am His. And, with every layer peeled off, I'm becoming more like Him. I want to rest in that.