The Empty Pursuit

Most of my friends (ok, all of them) can tell you that I'm a little directionally impaired.  I can't remember a time since I started driving that this wasn't the case.  It's like my internal compass is broken and I somehow always manage to get lost, especially if I'm completely unfamiliar with the area.  Needless to say, it's pretty frustrating...and slightly embarrassing at times.  Thankfully I now have a smart phone that's smarter than me & gives me turn by turn directions!  Life changer y'all, seriously. Because, when you have to be somewhere, it's helpful to know where you're going and how to get there.  Being lost is one of the worst feelings I can think of.  I hate every.single.minute of it, and am thoroughly relieved when I've finally found my way. 

I recently walked through a season where my faith was majorly put to the test.  Not the, "I'm not sure if I believe in God anymore" kind of test.  No, it was the kind that left me wondering if I'm really being led by Him and can still hear Him speaking to me personally.  Almost worse for a girl who won't make a move without first knowing that God is directing.  It left me feeling a little sick inside. Empty. Lost. 

What is our natural inclination when we feel empty, or lost?  To fill ourselves with something.  Anything that will erase, or at least numb, the void we feel in the depth of our being.  The problem is, when we turn to anything other than God to feel whole, we will still be left empty.  Oh sure, it'll feel great for a little while...until the high eventually wears off.  And, it will.  It always does. Then, we're left standing there, spinning in circles because the direction we should have taken was toward God, not away from Him.  It's not always something extreme like sex, pornography, or excessive drinking that causes us to stray.  No, sometimes it's more subtle than that.  And, all it takes is one weak moment.

Recently, I began struggling again with feeling inferior & unattractive.  A battle that tries to rear its ugly head from time to time, but one that I experienced a lot of freedom in last year.  So, when it popped back up (not welcomed, of course), I knew immediately what triggered it.  I had let my guard down and instead of refusing to believe the lies, I went the opposite direction.  I numbed the feelings of insecurity, and did what a lot of girls probably do...I shopped more.  I thought if I can just buy more beautiful things and keep "improving" on what God gave me, then maybe I'll feel whole again.  Secure.  Pretty.  Except, that didn't work.  Those "things" can't complete me or satisfy me the way that only God can.  They weren't meant to.  So, is it wrong for me to enjoy fashion & "girly" stuff? Not at all.  But, is it destructive when I look to that alone to give me value & worth?  Absolutely.

I'd like to say I passed this test right away, but unfortunately, that's not how this story goes.  I "went around the mountain" a few times, thus causing a lot of unnecessary heartache for myself.  Isn't that what we humans are so good at?  Falling into temptation, hanging out there for a while, until we feel so utterly broken and lost that all we want is to make our way back home.

Thankfully, the journey doesn't have to end with heartache and failure.  God is pretty great at beckoning us home.  Actually, He's the best.  Whatever it is in your life that seeks to draw you away from the only One who can truly heal our emptiness and pain, you can make a conscious choice to put a stop to the empty pursuit, and go the other direction.  God's still in the same spot.  We need only to turn around.

A Tasteless Christianity

I woke up this morning with words pouring forth from my heart in a way that doesn't happen as frequently as I would like.  I grabbed my notebook & started writing everything down that was coming to me.  It was as if God was downloading the words & I was just waiting for the next, and the next, and the next...

I shouldn't be too surprised.  I've felt it buried in my heart for some time now.  This burden.  This disheartened feeling in the depth of my spirit.  This feeling of being alone even when I am with other Christians.  Why, you might ask?   Because there are times I wonder if I'm the only one who will stand for truth and righteousness.  Let's face it.  It doesn't win us any popularity contests.  We won't appear "cool." We will be persecuted in some form.  And sometimes, by those we think are closest to us.  Jesus said as much.  This "Christian" thing isn't easy.  No, not in the least.  And, maybe that's where my frustration & disappointment is rearing its head.  I see many more believers who have professed Christ as their Lord & Savior now choosing to live like the world, than I do Christ followers who are willing to take up their cross and follow Him, in whatever capacity that may look like.  It's easier. It's safe. It's comfortable.  I would be lying if I said I haven't been tempted to do the same.  I'm not perfect.  Not even close.  I don't have all the answers, nor do I have it all together.  But, I know I'd rather not profess Christianity at all than to settle for this watered-down version that many believers have created.  This watered-down Christianity that justifies sin for the sake of being politically correct or fear of appearing judgmental.  We want to tip toe around certain issues because we're too afraid to address them boldly and with conviction. 

A woman leaves her husband because she's in love with someone else and feels she deserves to be "happy."  A boyfriend & girlfriend are living together & having sex before they're married because, well, it's really not that bad.  A gay couple attends church Sunday after Sunday with no life change at all, and with no one even attempting to address the lifestyle choice they've made.  Friends go out & get drunk every weekend to "escape" from reality.  Someone we know wants to have an abortion because having the baby is "inconvenient" and it wasn't in her plan.

Please hear me out.  I'm not talking about non-believers who are living in sin.  We expect them to live this way.  They haven't had a conversion experience or known the power of life change that Jesus brings.  I'm simply referring to those within the Church who have professed Christ yet choose to live in such a way that completely denies the power of the Cross.  I'm also certainly not advocating a "Pharisee" mentality where we expose sin at every turn but never love the person or take the time to invest in him or her.  That would be the opposite of the message of the Cross as well.  I'm talking about discipleship.  Life change.  Bearing fruit.  Accountability. 

Jesus was controversial.  Even radical.  He never condemned the person, but He always condemned the sin.  We have opted to do neither.  And in doing so, we have failed to make true disciples of Christ.  Instead, there are more & more people falling away from the Lord, or not wanting any part of Christianity to begin with.  Can we blame them?  Who would want something that isn't any different from what they've already experienced?  It would be like going to the most exquisite restaurant you've ever seen, expecting to taste something so divine, so different than anything you've ever had before.  But instead, the waiter brings your meal and it's ordinary.  Boring.  Tasteless.  Do you think you would ever return?  The likelihood is slim to none.

That's what I imagine it to be like for the world when they witness so-called "Christians" who are living & doing the same things they are.  There's nothing different.  Nothing drawing them to desire this Jesus we speak of.  Nothing.

I don't want to feel like a stranger among fellow believers.  Actually, it frustrates me greatly.  There's a problem if I do.  But, I refuse to blend into the world in order to appease people or excuse sin.  I want to love people & show Christ in a very real & transparent way.  In a way that will leave them hungry to know this Jesus that I know.  To make them hungry for something different.  Hungry for the hope of a radically changed life that's only possible through the Cross.  Isn't that the mandate Jesus gave to us?  To go & make disciples of all men?  It's nearly impossible to make disciples if our own lives don't reflect any true life change.  The only thing we would succeed in doing is to leave a bad taste in their mouths.  And, I certainly don't want to be the reason that person gets up, leaves and never returns.  I want to be a part, even if it's small, in causing them to question why I'm different.  But, that can only happen if my life actually is different.