The Empty Pursuit

Most of my friends (ok, all of them) can tell you that I'm a little directionally impaired.  I can't remember a time since I started driving that this wasn't the case.  It's like my internal compass is broken and I somehow always manage to get lost, especially if I'm completely unfamiliar with the area.  Needless to say, it's pretty frustrating...and slightly embarrassing at times.  Thankfully I now have a smart phone that's smarter than me & gives me turn by turn directions!  Life changer y'all, seriously. Because, when you have to be somewhere, it's helpful to know where you're going and how to get there.  Being lost is one of the worst feelings I can think of.  I hate every.single.minute of it, and am thoroughly relieved when I've finally found my way. 

I recently walked through a season where my faith was majorly put to the test.  Not the, "I'm not sure if I believe in God anymore" kind of test.  No, it was the kind that left me wondering if I'm really being led by Him and can still hear Him speaking to me personally.  Almost worse for a girl who won't make a move without first knowing that God is directing.  It left me feeling a little sick inside. Empty. Lost. 

What is our natural inclination when we feel empty, or lost?  To fill ourselves with something.  Anything that will erase, or at least numb, the void we feel in the depth of our being.  The problem is, when we turn to anything other than God to feel whole, we will still be left empty.  Oh sure, it'll feel great for a little while...until the high eventually wears off.  And, it will.  It always does. Then, we're left standing there, spinning in circles because the direction we should have taken was toward God, not away from Him.  It's not always something extreme like sex, pornography, or excessive drinking that causes us to stray.  No, sometimes it's more subtle than that.  And, all it takes is one weak moment.

Recently, I began struggling again with feeling inferior & unattractive.  A battle that tries to rear its ugly head from time to time, but one that I experienced a lot of freedom in last year.  So, when it popped back up (not welcomed, of course), I knew immediately what triggered it.  I had let my guard down and instead of refusing to believe the lies, I went the opposite direction.  I numbed the feelings of insecurity, and did what a lot of girls probably do...I shopped more.  I thought if I can just buy more beautiful things and keep "improving" on what God gave me, then maybe I'll feel whole again.  Secure.  Pretty.  Except, that didn't work.  Those "things" can't complete me or satisfy me the way that only God can.  They weren't meant to.  So, is it wrong for me to enjoy fashion & "girly" stuff? Not at all.  But, is it destructive when I look to that alone to give me value & worth?  Absolutely.

I'd like to say I passed this test right away, but unfortunately, that's not how this story goes.  I "went around the mountain" a few times, thus causing a lot of unnecessary heartache for myself.  Isn't that what we humans are so good at?  Falling into temptation, hanging out there for a while, until we feel so utterly broken and lost that all we want is to make our way back home.

Thankfully, the journey doesn't have to end with heartache and failure.  God is pretty great at beckoning us home.  Actually, He's the best.  Whatever it is in your life that seeks to draw you away from the only One who can truly heal our emptiness and pain, you can make a conscious choice to put a stop to the empty pursuit, and go the other direction.  God's still in the same spot.  We need only to turn around.

A Tasteless Christianity

I woke up this morning with words pouring forth from my heart in a way that doesn't happen as frequently as I would like.  I grabbed my notebook & started writing everything down that was coming to me.  It was as if God was downloading the words & I was just waiting for the next, and the next, and the next...

I shouldn't be too surprised.  I've felt it buried in my heart for some time now.  This burden.  This disheartened feeling in the depth of my spirit.  This feeling of being alone even when I am with other Christians.  Why, you might ask?   Because there are times I wonder if I'm the only one who will stand for truth and righteousness.  Let's face it.  It doesn't win us any popularity contests.  We won't appear "cool." We will be persecuted in some form.  And sometimes, by those we think are closest to us.  Jesus said as much.  This "Christian" thing isn't easy.  No, not in the least.  And, maybe that's where my frustration & disappointment is rearing its head.  I see many more believers who have professed Christ as their Lord & Savior now choosing to live like the world, than I do Christ followers who are willing to take up their cross and follow Him, in whatever capacity that may look like.  It's easier. It's safe. It's comfortable.  I would be lying if I said I haven't been tempted to do the same.  I'm not perfect.  Not even close.  I don't have all the answers, nor do I have it all together.  But, I know I'd rather not profess Christianity at all than to settle for this watered-down version that many believers have created.  This watered-down Christianity that justifies sin for the sake of being politically correct or fear of appearing judgmental.  We want to tip toe around certain issues because we're too afraid to address them boldly and with conviction. 

A woman leaves her husband because she's in love with someone else and feels she deserves to be "happy."  A boyfriend & girlfriend are living together & having sex before they're married because, well, it's really not that bad.  A gay couple attends church Sunday after Sunday with no life change at all, and with no one even attempting to address the lifestyle choice they've made.  Friends go out & get drunk every weekend to "escape" from reality.  Someone we know wants to have an abortion because having the baby is "inconvenient" and it wasn't in her plan.

Please hear me out.  I'm not talking about non-believers who are living in sin.  We expect them to live this way.  They haven't had a conversion experience or known the power of life change that Jesus brings.  I'm simply referring to those within the Church who have professed Christ yet choose to live in such a way that completely denies the power of the Cross.  I'm also certainly not advocating a "Pharisee" mentality where we expose sin at every turn but never love the person or take the time to invest in him or her.  That would be the opposite of the message of the Cross as well.  I'm talking about discipleship.  Life change.  Bearing fruit.  Accountability. 

Jesus was controversial.  Even radical.  He never condemned the person, but He always condemned the sin.  We have opted to do neither.  And in doing so, we have failed to make true disciples of Christ.  Instead, there are more & more people falling away from the Lord, or not wanting any part of Christianity to begin with.  Can we blame them?  Who would want something that isn't any different from what they've already experienced?  It would be like going to the most exquisite restaurant you've ever seen, expecting to taste something so divine, so different than anything you've ever had before.  But instead, the waiter brings your meal and it's ordinary.  Boring.  Tasteless.  Do you think you would ever return?  The likelihood is slim to none.

That's what I imagine it to be like for the world when they witness so-called "Christians" who are living & doing the same things they are.  There's nothing different.  Nothing drawing them to desire this Jesus we speak of.  Nothing.

I don't want to feel like a stranger among fellow believers.  Actually, it frustrates me greatly.  There's a problem if I do.  But, I refuse to blend into the world in order to appease people or excuse sin.  I want to love people & show Christ in a very real & transparent way.  In a way that will leave them hungry to know this Jesus that I know.  To make them hungry for something different.  Hungry for the hope of a radically changed life that's only possible through the Cross.  Isn't that the mandate Jesus gave to us?  To go & make disciples of all men?  It's nearly impossible to make disciples if our own lives don't reflect any true life change.  The only thing we would succeed in doing is to leave a bad taste in their mouths.  And, I certainly don't want to be the reason that person gets up, leaves and never returns.  I want to be a part, even if it's small, in causing them to question why I'm different.  But, that can only happen if my life actually is different.

A Faith Walk

I woke up this morning with the story of Jesus walking on water clearly on my heart.  It's not often that specific passages of scripture are blaring in my mind before I'm fully awake!  But, I immediately knew why & what God was speaking to me.  Faith.  You know when you're in a season where God is asking you to step out in faith & "walk on water" with him?  Yep, I'm there.  And like me, you probably feel scared, unsure, & maybe even a little...crazy.  That's how I envision Peter must have felt as Jesus was telling him to take that first step.  The story goes like this: Jesus told his disciples to step out of the boat, in the middle of the water, as the waves & wind were raging all around them.  No biggie, right?  Peter's response to Jesus' request was, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water." Jesus replied back with one word. "Come."  I imagine Peter to have really been thinking, "Lord, you seriously want me to step out of this safe boat and possibly be hurt or even die!?  Oh ok, sure."  And Jesus, very matter of factly, says, "That's what I said. What are you waiting for?  Come on!"

Peter & I would have been buddies.  I'm sure of it.  Because, I am Peter.  I would have questioned, over analyzed the situation in my mind, and then come to a decision based on fear, not on faith.  I'm often tempted to operate in doubt rather than in faith...more than I care to admit.  It's just easier. Safer.  It takes a lot more courage to step out of the boat and walk on the water than it does to stand still & do nothing.  It takes courage to take the first step, not completely knowing what's ahead.  But, I love that the story doesn't end there.  Jesus didn't just leave Peter on his own.  He calmed his fears, while challenging his faith.  "Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" In His mercy, Jesus caught him, but in His loving way, challenged his doubt.  Jesus does that with me often.  I feel Him whispering to me, "Oh Steph, why are you doubting when I have made the road ahead so clear?  Why not just choose to trust me & let go?"  Instead, I doubt His voice & leading because I doubt my ability to hear & see correctly.  I feel vulnerable & unsure, yet I know He's there to catch me, so why wouldn't I just take that risk? 

God, help us to come when you say, "Come."  Help us to have the courage to step out when you say, "Don't be afraid."  Thank you that just as you did with Peter, you never leave us on our own.  Even through the doubt & fear, You're still there.  Waiting.  May we choose to see You instead of the wind & waves.  May we see clearly that there's too much waiting on the other side for us not to take that risk. 

The Faces of Worship

I've been thinking a lot about worship lately.  What does it really look like?  And, is there more than one way to worship?  I believe the answer to that is absolutely, YES.  But, what I mean by worship isn't the picture that most of you have in your head right now.  The word "worship" normally implies that some type of music is involved.  We go to church to...sing hymns or praise songs, right?  While that is a part of the church experience, it isn't meant to be the whole experience.  And, worship certainly isn't meant to stay inside the four walls of the "church."

I went through a season as a young Christian where I majorly struggled with the way my worship "looked."  Sounds strange, I know.  What I mean is that I would be standing during service singing my heart out, except, I didn't feel like my heart was truly there.  I would look around and it seemed as though everyone else was totally engrossed in the music.  If they were any more in the presence of Jesus, they might as well have been in heaven!  And here I was, mouthing the words but not always feeling what was coming out.  I thought something was truly wrong with me!  Ever been there?  Well, I've since had to learn that worship isn't a "feeling." Sure, we can definitely experience that high at times when we come into the presence of the Lord, BUT it doesn't always happen, and that's completely normal.  Those feelings don't sustain our day to day walk with God.  They're wonderful, but they're not meant to last.  Worship is so much more than singing to the Lord on Sunday...or any other day of the week, for that matter.  It's what our lives look like when people are watching, and...when they aren't.  It is about the heart...the attitude of our hearts.  We may not always "feel" it, but if we are doing what God asks & requires on a daily basis, that is worship.  Will we get it wrong?  Yep.  Will we completely blow it?  Probably.  Is there grace for that?  Absolutely. 

When I think of the stories in the Bible of people who were on this same journey with God, I begin to think of worship a little differently.  I read about Abraham being willing to sacrafice his only son that God PROMISED him (Genesis 22:1-19), and I see worship as surrender.  Then, I read about the widow who had nothing, but still gave what she had (Mark 12:41-43), and I see worship as giving.  I read the many parables that Jesus told about putting others before ourselves, and I see worship as loving people.  Worship looks different than what we have imagined in our minds.  It has many "faces."  It isn't JUST about singing a few songs on Sunday morning.  It's really living out the words that Jesus taught & modeled for us.  I want my worship to encompass all of these things, and more.  And for my heart to be engrossed daily in how I live, not just in what I say.  That is true worship.

Mercies Anew

Mercy.  It's been the topic of many books and songs.  The Bible mentions it in great detail.  And, it's the cry of every human being.  At our very core, we are all desperate for mercy.  We want to be fully known and accepted as we are, but struggle with the fear that if we are vulnerable and show our deepest disappointments and darkest places, we'll risk being rejected.  That if we are raw and laid open, mercy might not be extended.  Yet, there's something so different about the mercy of God.  Something sweet.  Something beautiful.  And at the same time, difficult to fully grasp.  To grasp even a portion of it requires faith.  Faith that even though we may not feel it or believe we deserve it, it remains.  It's steady and constant.  It never changes based on our behavior or works.  We can't do anything less or more that will alter the amount of mercy He pours out because...it never ends. 

God's taken me on a journey the past couple years where I know that I know He wants me to "get" this.  I mean, really get this.  You know those places that are a constant struggle and to even talk about it with anyone requires a lot of courage because it's embarassing and frustrating?  That's where I've been with this.  I've been walking with the Lord for 14 years now.  I should have a pretty decent grasp on the mercy of God, right?  If only I could say, yes, I am fully aware that God has an unlimited supply of mercy for me!  I know that to be truth, but if I were really honest, the problem is that I don't always believe it.  I KNOW there's nothing I could do that would make God love me any more or less than he does right at this moment.  But, even if it's locked inside of my head, it slips outside of my heart.  His word says that "because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his mercies never fail.  They are new every morning" (Lamentations 3:22-23).  But God, don't you remember that stupid mistake I made yesterday or the unloving way I spoke to someone this morning?  Don't you remember my past sins and mistakes, all 556,687 of them?  No.  The truth is, He doesn't.  At all.  Every single day the slate is wiped clean.  The sole reason Jesus hung on that cross was so that we could be justified and live in His grace and love.  I think it's human nature for us to be our own worst enemy at times.  We want to keep punishing oursleves for our mistakes and shortcomings.  We want to forget, but have a hard time letting go.  When all the while, God is saying (screaming, at times)," I've forgotten it.  Now, won't you?"  It doesn't bring Him any glory when we aren't living in the fullness of His love and mercy.  No, He is most glorified when we are reflecting His heart and nature.

I want, long for, His mercy to be washed over me every day.  Every single morning.  I need it more than my next breath.  In fact, my next breath depends on it.

Lord, may your mercies be anew in every one of us and may we live with the truth and knowledge that You bestow grace & mercy on your sons & daughters not because of who we are or what we do or don't do, but because of who You are.  And, may we in turn be able to show that same mercy to others as well as, ourselves.

Have a little faith.

God's been testing, I mean really testing, my level of faith these days. Until recently, I would have considered myself to have a decent "measure" of faith...as much as you can measure that. I mean, all we need is a mustard seed, right? But, I began to realize that while I have an almost unlimited amount of faith to believe God will do amazing works in other people's lives, I have a much more difficult time believing God will answer my own prayers, or satisfy the desires of my own heart. Why? "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." That's the honest reason. When you've been praying for the longings & dreams of your heart to become reality, and years & years go by without any sign of those prayers coming to fruition, it can be a struggle to hold on to hope. However, let me say, I know I'm not the only one waiting on prayers to be answered, or having doubts that they ever will be. It only feels that way at times.

Let's take a look at Thomas, for instance. I can relate to "doubting Thomas" more than any other person in the Bible. He needed proof. Proof that his Jesus was alive again. When the other disciples told him that they had seen the Lord, Thomas replied, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe" (John 20:25). No one was going to change his mind. He was willing to look crazy for his unwillingness to believe because he needed proof. Proof that a mortal man died on a cross and was raised to life three days later. (Pretty sure Thomas & I would have been friends). Jesus provided the proof he needed...eight days later. He could have come as soon as Thomas doubted the resurrection. But, He chose not to. Thomas had eight entire days to wrestle with the doubts in his mind. That's worth noting.

But then...Jesus came to his rescue.

"Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." Then he spoke directly to Thomas. "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe. Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!" (John 20:26-28). It's also worth noting that before Jesus commanded him to believe, He spoke into every one of his doubts. I love that. He sympathizes with our weaknesses & knows that in our humanness, faith can seem unattainable at times.

But He also loves us enough to not allow us to give up. He's been challenging my faith even further lately by asking one question: "Are you in a place where you're ready to receive what I have for you?" Pretty simple question, right? Who wouldn't want to receive from the Lord!? Well...this girl has struggled majorly in that area. Feelings of unworthiness have caused me to doubt whether the Lord has better for my life. Lies I've believed that have overshadowed the truth of God's Word. But, my desire is not to stay in a place of unbelief. Thankfully, because of God's unyielding mercy, He wants more for my life than what I've perceived I'm worthy of. It's not about anything I can or can't do; it's all about His goodness.

What is it in your life that you're having a difficult time believing or maybe, receiving? What if, instead of believing for the "thing," we believed in the God who can do all things? That means we trust in the Lord enough to believe that HE knows our desires and HE knows how to best fulfill His plans in our lives. It's definitely not always easy to get to that place, but once there, it's a place I want to remain in.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

We're almost there. Just a few more days until Christmas! Days of eating food we'll spend the next few weeks trying to work off, receiving presents we didn't want to buy ourselves, buying gifts for others we'll spend all year paying off, and spending time with family we don't see often. But, it's the most wonderful time of the year, right? (Disclaimer: I absolutely LOVE Christmas and promise this is not a cynical post. I really do have a point).

Despite overeating & overspending, most of us look forward to this season more than any other time of the year. And let's face it, some of us look forward to the overeating & overspending as well! There's so much anticipation and joy surrounding Christmas. The decorations, putting up the tree, the beautiful music, cooking & baking, finding that perfect gift for someone close to us, being surrounded by family & friends, and most of all, celebrating a man named Jesus that chose to come in infant form to rescue us from ourselves. It's the most amazing gift we could & will ever receive on this earth. And even if all the other wonderful things surrounding this season did not exist, that's reason enough to celebrate.

But, in the midst of the excitement & joy, I realize it's not so joyful for everyone. In reality, it's the most difficult time of year for some. Over the last few weeks, I've had a friend that lost a baby, another friend in the hospital, co-workers who have lost loved ones, & several who have lost jobs. All very difficult circumstances, but amidst the Christmas season, even more so. I had a heavy heart as I was praying about this recently. These are people I care about. Why are they being asked to walk through these trials? And, why now? Not the best timing, I would say. But, even more sobering, why not me? The answers to these questions are outside of my understanding, and the last thing I want is to sound like Scrooge (remember, I love Christmas & everything that goes along with it!). But I do want to help us look beyond ourselves to see the needs of others. There are people in your life, and mine, who need a little extra encouragement right now. Maybe they need monetary help. Maybe they need someone to hold them while they cry. Or, they might need Jesus.

I'm guilty of focusing too much on the gifts I need to buy, the cookies I need to bake, or the cards I need to send, that I forget Christmas is really about Christ. And part of that is being Christ to others in tangible ways. Love came in the form of a perfect child named Jesus so not only could we know a love unlike any other, but so we could also give it away. It is the most wonderful time of year simply for that reason.

I challenge each of us to look for ways to bless others this Christmas season. I promise, they're everywhere if we'll just take the time to notice.